Note To Self (10/24/2016)

Before starting up this blog, I was keeping a private online journal. This journal was helping me cope with my anxiety and life challenges.

Here’s a little something that I wrote a few days before my 18th birthday. From what I remember, I was going through a hard time living in university housing. Friendships weren’t working out, I had just gotten my heart broken, I was homesick and lost. It was my first birthday away from home and from my family. I was fighting with my thoughts but I ended up reassuring myself that I was worth something and I couldn’t keep forgetting it.

“I’m not perfect and It’s hard to cover the tracks I make sometimes. They are just so permanent and if they may seem temporary they can just become permanent so fast. I don’t want to feel like this anymore, or ever. I’m not lost anymore so I hate feeling like I am. It’s taken me years to feel found. I deserve more for myself as a person, as a woman, and as a strong human being. I’ve settled down and thought to myself. I’ve captured the moments around me and the environment surrounding me. I think and think. I tell myself: You’ve gotten here because of your hard work, you’ve spread your wings for good reasons because of it. You’ve gotten here to make memories and to cherish them as you go. Take all of these memories and keep on dreaming with them. Use them to your advantage and become a better version of yourself; that is the best thing to do. As the days go by, just tell yourself that you are worth so much and that you are a catch. Listen to the compliments from others when you get them, remember them because they are their impressions of you, their good ones. You are unstoppable. You are a force of nature who can burst at any moment with clarity and power. 

Reading this journal entry brings back so many memories. I was a very naive and hopeful 17 year old. There are certain elements of my personality then that I still have now. I’m nearly 20 and I can proudly say that I love myself so much. It’s good to know that 17 year old me never failed to make me realize what I am truly worth.

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he was a poet too

\\ this is for the man who used to inspire me. thank you for teaching me to grow and move on. i admired him for all the wrong reasons but i discovered a lot about myself through it all. // 

You are my collection of words.

these thoughts are lined across my palms

so delicately,

your words entangle my emotions

so carefully,

the way you write freezes

so smoothly,

the sincerity in your eyes was so overwhelming but I never thought I couldn’t trust them.

you were so mysterious – undiscovered like a museum full of artwork

I can’t seem to decipher it,

I get lost within those walls covered in aching words, and simple love songs

those words that flow from your sharp mind,

to the tips of your fingers,

and travel to the summit of my soul, the highest point, the peak of excitement.

I couldn’t ask for more.

 

flight

\\this is a poem about growth and the voice that helps you realize that it is time to fly// 

The truth in the words he says are swept along with the tender wind.

They create a song, each verse better than the first.

He said to me: you’ll fly with those words because they’ll set you free,

and in the end, you will be brave and secure.

This is what you are, this is who you are,

become it and embrace it all

You’ve only got this chance to be the divine force you have always feared.

You are constructed of walls that mesh with the delicate parts of your sweet soul.

You radiate smiles; in fact, the sunrise smiles for you, he said.

Breathe that fresh air, clear your mind and shout:

“Hellow freedom, I have been waiting for you!”

Allow yourself to believe this because if you don’t, no one else will.

The atlas in your hands has spoken,

“you are going places,” he told me.

And he was right.